Monday, 15 May 2017

Kids pictures - what the hell is that?

My 4 year old daughter frequently brings pictures and paintings home from nursery, and they’re not always her own work. I can tell this because some of them actually look like what they’re supposed to be.

If she says it’s a picture of a dog and it indeed looks like a dog then I instantly smell a rat and know that one of the nursey staff have helped her out. If it looks like a turd, then I know it’s her hand that has drawn it, and it takes pride of place on the fridge with the other turds. In fact, we have so many turds on the fridge at the moment that we need to invest in some heavy duty, Hadron Collider type magnets to stop the turds from dropping on to the kitchen floor.

You teach your kids that lying is wrong, but at the same time you lie through your teeth to them about a whole selection of events that occur in their lives, because it ‘keeps the magic alive’.

Well I say screw the magic. If I was a single parent, and not living under the military dictatorship of The Boss, then I would seriously consider taking the lead from those parents who are completely honest with their kids. They tell them the truth about how those Christmas presents arrived. They don’t make up sinister stories concerning flying midgets that distribute coin in exchange for enamel. And I guess they tell their kids when their pictures are shit.

Good on them I say. The amount of times I have been holding a picture that my daughter has drawn at nursery only to hear a little voice say “silly daddy. It’s upside down”.  Well I’m sorry. Couldn’t the nursery at least write ‘this way up’ on the top in pencil to give us parents some sort of clue as to which way up we should be holding this drawing. (Of what appears to be a green stick man with dandruff performing oral sex on a badger).

Your head is thinking ‘what the actual fuck’, but your parental programming kicks in and the standard dishonest response of “wow” pops out with a smile and a nod. See this is the problem. If I continue down this slippery slope over the next few years, my daughter will continue to think she is good at art, when in fact she is shit. This could lead to her choosing the wrong subjects at school, embarrassing herself in class, or going to university to study something she’s awful at, at the expense of my bank account.

I am not suggesting that my review of her work should berate and torment her to the point of tears. But a gentle reminder that sometimes she could do better, and that if she concentrated when drawing or painting then perhaps that brown smudged turd with eyes would in fact look something like a dog and daddy wouldn’t have to lie so much.

Below are some examples of kid’s pictures and paintings that show what I mean. Images from

That is one happy fireman!

A large breasted teacher with cheddar on her head?

A very suspicious looking hoover!
What the actual fuck?

Beginning to see a theme here you dirty lot

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